Sins in the night
by shindou-colgan
Summary: Someone in the academy is really depressed and one lonely dark night they contemplate everything that's happened to them through their lives! one shot!Pairings? read and find out! It's shonenai tho! :D


_Urm, well, I was bitten by the plot bug again…Urm, well, it's written in someone's pov! Try and guess! _

_Well I wanted to try my best to write a really evil and dark angst ridden fic and hopefully it'll work, if not, urm, blame slade! He's a bad influence on everything! _

_It's a one shot but if it's good enough I'll continue (just say so in you're reviews…)_

**_Warnings: _**_suicide attempts, Incest, Mentioning's of abuse, insanity and depression_

**_Disclaimer: _**_Shindou-colgan doesn't own yugioh gx, if she did, well, wouldn't you all like to know (sinister smirk…)_

**_Pairings:_**_ Guess?and ? _

**Sins in the night**

I sat staring out into the cold and dark night, not really knowing what to do with myself. I enjoy feeling the cool breeze blowing my hair around my face gently, it soothes me. I shouldn't be out here though. People tell me that I shouldn't sit out on the cliffs, but I always tell them the same thing; bugger off. If I want to sit out on the cliff at night nobody in this entire academy has the right to stop me.

Not even him.

I may love him, cherish him, and listen to him. But this is the one thing that not even he can stop me from doing, it's the only thing that can take my thoughts away from everything. Usually I hate being on my own, I may not look it but my mind is constantly whirring away, it drives me mad. When I'm on my own the thoughts begin to drive me mad, and I hate it. I usually wait for him, spend all my time around him, because when he's with me, he keeps me busy, pays attention to me and makes sure I'm not alone.

He does this because in a twisted and warped way, he's the same as me; but at the same time he's completely different.

It's starting to get cold; I can smell the rain coming. The air has gotten sharper, there's just something about the air when it rains, you can smell it coming, I can't really describe it, you'd have to experience it yourself to know.

I should head inside soon, I don't want to though, it's nice here, my thoughts aren't bothering me, and it's nice.

What was I saying? Oh yeah; _him; _as I was saying, he's gone through the same stuff as me. We're both broken and used human beings, used and abused, damaged beyond repair. Abused by people we were supposed to trust, and it's left us both bitter, and resentful, although I chose to hide my problems, you could tell that 'he' had them by just looking at him, it's quite funny really. One of my problems is my thoughts, when left to myself I over analyse everything I do, I criticise every detail of everything, and I tend to ruin my relationships, convinced myself that it'll end sooner or later, that if I end it quickly it won't hurt me. I chuckled loudly, that was a lie, if ending the relationship before I got attached to him would ease the pain, why did it always hurt so much. Why was I in so much pain right now?

Tonight I fought with him, a rather big fight actually; I don't think he likes me now. I smile as I fondly remember what had happened. It was actually really stupid as I gave into my worries again.

I sit at the small table at the cafeteria; the room is empty except for him and myself. "I want you to tell everyone about 'us'" he whispered, wrapping his slightly bigger hand around my own, I look at him, a smile playing on my lips. "I don't think that I'm ready" I whisper, unable to look my love in the eyes, confidence wasn't really my strong suite. "Why the hell not?" he shouts, looking at me with hurt clearly etched onto his face, I'd hurt him? "I don't thinks it's a good idea" I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I've had this conversation before, knowing that it's a good way to end things, although this time I think I might regret it, but I'm not sure. He's starting to get mad, I can see it in his eyes, I don't like doing this to him, but I'll save him a lot of hurt in the future and end it now.

_I look at him and smile, "I'm not telling anyone about us" I say my voice finally returning to me, "and you can't make me" I say standing up to leave, letting him know that I'm serious. As I step away I feel his hand grab onto my wrist, willing me to stay, "please" he whispers, "I love you" I tense, and he feels it and uses this lapse in my judgement to make his move. "I love everything about you," he continues, standing up and slowly embracing me, I can feel my heart start to race. I need to get out. "I know everything that happened to you, you know the same about me, I love you!" he whispers , his warm breath tickles my ear causing my cheeks to turn pink._

But his words make me shiver and I shove him away. He made it sound so wrong, like we were just like two dogs licking each other's wounds. "I hate you" I said, my voice was louder than it had been since this conversation started, "I don't love you, and I never have, you disgust me" I said, glaring down at him, I suppose he couldn't see the hurt in my eyes. I didn't want to say such cold things, it was like someone else had control of my body and I couldn't stop them.

I watched as his eyes watered up and he looked at me with a look of utter dejection, I watched the fire dissapear from within his eyes. That look haunts me even now, hours later, while I sit on the cliffs outside my dorm.

My mind returns to the present and I sigh softly, the rain I knew was coming had begun to fall, and the wind, which had earlier been a gentle breeze, was starting to gain some strength. "I really should go inside" I murmur softly to myself with no intention of doing so. I'm trying to remember why I'm like this, afraid of commitment, I hate the company of other people, but it's a secret though. I hate having to touch someone or be touched. I really hate it, at the end of the day, I'll go to the baths and spend as long as I can in there scrubbing away at myself, trying to wipe away the sensation of someone's shoulder brushing against mine, or my hand from where I've touched someone for something, like passing a book or a pencil.

People have noticed it a little bit, I mean, the guys have but they say nothing. I think that they assume that it's just a personal quirk, after all, how many people sit in a bath the size of a lake until after midnight each night with the skin scrubbed red raw? Not that many in my experience.

I hear shouting in the distance that means they've found me. That's good; I really should go inside. I should get inside, I hadn't realised this would be a storm. I enjoy hearing the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs beneath me, it sounds so near, and when I look down it doesn't seem that far. I smile to myself, I never get to think like this usually and with good reason. 'He' noticed that for a while after I've been alone, I'm different than usual, a little quieter and more subdued, so when I was with him, he made sure not to let that happen.

Am I repeating myself?

I probably am, I wanted to say why I'm the way I am, but it's hard to explain. I'll try, but don't expect a miracle.

Most people's earliest memory is of going to the zoo to see penguins, or playing with their friends in the park, or something very cute and wonderful like that.

Mine wasn't anything like that at all; in fact it's literally the opposite.

The only thing that sticks out in my childhood was the abuse.

My first memory is of my uncle, Michael, actually. My Dad died a long time ago, I was three I think, I don't really remember. My mother did a lot of work back then, when I was small, she had me and my bother to take care of so my uncle 'Mike' used to take care of us. It was pretty great at the start, y'know. When we'd get back from nursery he'd be waiting to keep an eye on us and keep us out of trouble. At the start it was good, really good, he was so nice and it was almost like we had a dad. But after a while, I was, five, six tops, Mike decided I was cute, 'real cute' as he like to say and before I knew it, Mike decided that I was cute enough to go all the way with. Of course, I couldn't do anything to stop him.

I close my eyes, tears are pouring down my cheeks, why am I thinking about all of this now, and I'm forcing myself to remember. I can hear the voices getting nearer; I can see their torches cutting through the darkness. I should answer them but I can't bring myself to do that, I feel the need to finish reliving how screwed up my life is. I look around myself, the rains pouring down now, I'm soaked to the skin and I don't care. The waves are smashing against the cliffs now and I'm beginning to realize how dangerous my resting spot is but I don't care. I close my eyes and continue reminiscing about my disgusting and downright unpleasant past.

The only thing I could make sure of in my younger years was that I made sure that Mike got my brother. I was happy because of that, it gave me a weak sense of purpose, that even through my suffering I could help someone, be of use. When that paedophilic bastard was finally caught that feeble excuse for a mother she asked what I wanted to do, and I smiled my first genuine smile in seven years, and said, "nothing". The woman looked at me, as if I had two heads. Even after everything that bastard had done to me I couldn't bring myself to be like him and ruin someone's life. He had a chance to change, to become a better person, so I wasn't going to take that from him. I knew that if he ever tried what he had done to me on another living person, I knew that I would kill him on the spot; I'd hunt him down and finish him off.

It was because of that bastard that I wasn't able to be with 'him'. He had gone through the same thing as me; he'd tried to end it all as well.

I'm starting to ramble, who cares?

When I'd hit fifteen It all got too much, the voices in my head, my fear of rejection, my lack of confidence, I tied a scarf around my neck and tried to end it by hanging myself in my bedroom, my mother found me though. When she did, she was crying and sobbing, my brother was there too, they were both crying a lot. I didn't particularly care.

For a long time after that, everyone watched me. The lock was taken off my bedroom door, and I wasn't to be left on my own. They tried to stop me coming to the academy, but I fooled them, I started acting happier, and after a while they began to believe it. So I was finally trusted to come here. I met him here and for a little while I actually was happy; he made me happy.

Then I had to ruin it.

Even though he was the same. He was abused too, and it was good having someone who knew the pain. When I'd wake up in the middle of the night, he'd hold me, stop me screaming, and stop me crying, petting my hair until I was calm. Noone had ever stopped me when I'd get like that before, it was nice.

I don't care now, I really don't. I screwed up. I regret what I said.

I do.

I want him back.

I need him. I stand up. They voices are really close now. I walk towards them; I fell flat on my face. Looking at my foot I spotted the offending tree root and glare at it. As I slowly pull myself up off of the ground I see a familiar face above mine.

"Are you alright, we've been searching for hours?" Bastion said looking at me with concern on his face, "you're soaked" he added taking note of my sopping clothes. "Lets get you back to you're room" Bastion said as he grabbed my arm, and began leading me to where the Slifer red dorms. He didn't seem to notice my discomfort at his touch; nobody seemed to. I'm gonna have to go to the baths later, 'great' I thought as I finally began to feel the cold. At least having Bastion was keeping me from thinking, I don't want to think anymore, it hurts me, I should just stop thinking from now on.

Live up to my image, right.

A smile creeps to my lips when I reach the familiar run down building that I was used to calling home. The smile faded though, once I remembered that 'he' lived here. I don't like the idea of having to see him after the fight, although I couldn't help but wonder would he be in there, even after I said he was disgusting, I don't know if he would. No, he's not like that, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I mumbled a quick thank you to Bastion before entering my bedroom. When I went inside I didn't even turn on the light, I knew that noone was in there. I leaned against my door and slid to the floor.

I'm crying again.

Alone.

Once again I can feel my troubles bubbling to the surface; I don't like it. A while back my room was the centre of everything, everyone used to gravitate toward me.

After a while though people started to leave me, and make new friends, they still spend the majority of their time with me, but at night I'm alone, not all the time, 'he' used to spend the night with me in my bed. He'd wrap his arms around me and comfort me, but now I had nothing.

Nothing?

I'm getting tired of it all.

Why did I do it? I need him. I have my PDA in my hands, and I see his picture flash up on the screen. I should call him, invite him over and apologize. My finger hovers above the call button, and after a little while of contemplating it, I finally close my eyes and hit the small green button. I wait and soon I can hear it ringing, and ringing, the annoying noise continues for a minute longer and then I hear it, his voice. I warmed up instantly upon hearing it. It was deep and husky, and it was what I needed. "I'm sorry" I whisper quietly, "I didn't mean it" I add quietly, the guilt in my voice was obvious.

"Why did you do it?" I hear his voice on the other end, it sounded hoarse, he'd been crying. "Please, come over, I need you" I say gently, hoping he'd do this. "I'll be there" he said, I could barely hear him; his voice was weak, and then the line went dead.

I sat on the floor, unable to move, I was too cold, my wet clothes weighed me down and my thoughts were whizzing around my head. I wasn't able to stop them; I needed him now. He'd make it all better. I grasped my head in my hands, I was shaking, I couldn't tell whether it was from cold or fear, all I know is that I couldn't stop it. "Please, come" I whispered, trying my best to stop my shaking, but failing miserably.

After a while I heard a gentle knocking on my door, I could barely hear it above the wind. I stood up and let him in. Once he was in the room we stood looking at each other. "You we're crying" I murmured, he could barely hear me above the howling of the wind outside, he looked at me, "you've been doing the same" he said quickly, "and you're soaked" he added as an afterthought. I nodded, "I didn't mean it," I said, bringing up our fight, "I don't hate you" I started, he just looked right into my eyes. His cold, dark, orbs bore into my own, the light that had vanished at my outburst was slowly returning to them. "I love you more than I can bear to" I said tearing my gaze away from his, I don't like being stared at.

I heard him move, and quite suddenly felt his arms envelop me, he began to squeeze me tight. "You shouldn't treat me so badly" he said quietly, burying his face into my shoulder, "after what they did to me you can't" he said turning me to face him, raising a hand he brushed my wet hair out of my face. "I can't help it" I said sighing tiredly, "I'm not good with my feelings, I warned you" he looked down at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I smile inwardly when he kisses me lightly on the lips.

Those kisses are the ones that make my stomach flip. They're so tender; they're the ones that tell me he cares. "I forgive you, but don't say anything like you did earlier ever again, if you do, I can't forgive you" he said after pulling away from me. I nodded, tears shining brightly in my eyes, "Chazz, I need you forever" I whisper finally giving in. Ignoring the feelings of uncertainty that bubbled within me, close to the surface. I used all my willpower to bury them away, I need this, alone hasn't worked all my life. I need someone, not just anyone, Chazz understands my pain, and I understand his.

"So, you really do love me" I whisper as Chazz brought me a dry set of clothes, he looked at me with wide eyes, "I told you earlier, yes", his onyx eyes looked at me happily. I could feel the blush on my cheeks as he looked at me.

"What about you, do really love me, Jaden?" Chazz said looking at me with a hesitant smile playing on his lips. I nodded, realising that I really couldn't live without Chazz by my side forever. "Yes, I really love you, Charles" I said, laughing loudly at the face he made when I used his proper name.

_(Sits in silence…) was it good? Did anyone know who was talking? I wanted it to seem like it was Chazz being all depressed but it wasn't him? It was Jaden! I tried this as an alternative to all the depressed and angsty Chazz fics and I gave Jaden the spotlight for his problems! I'm not used to writing in peoples POV, so sorry if it did suck tho! (Falls over) for me, this was a pretty long one shot! 7 pages on my pc! Yay! _

_Uncle Mike… hahaha; that name had me laughing for hours and hours :D _

_Reviews please! Bishounen appear when you review! _


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